Do you find yourself constantly apologizing for things that you have no control over? Do you say sorry when you are stuck in traffic or for a delay in an event that you are attending with a friend? If yes, this blog is for you. I did not even realize that I am guilty of this until I saw this behavior trait in someone I respect tremendously and it prompted me to get to the root cause of over apologizing and offer some strategies to overcome this potentially debilitating habit.
When we frequently apologize, even for things that is not our fault or does not require an apology, it reflects a deep-seated sense of inadequacy. According to research on self-esteem, people with lower self-worth tend to doubt their own actions and decisions, feeling that they are a burden to others or causing more harm than they actually are. This leads to over-apologizing as a way to preemptively mitigate perceived negative judgments.
In 2013, a study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology showed that people with lower self-esteem are more likely to engage in “defensive pessimism” — expecting negative outcomes in social situations. Apologizing excessively becomes a tool to shield themselves from these anticipated judgments.
People like me, who over-apologize, are driven by a desire to avoid conflict or disapproval. This can be rooted in a fear of social rejection, as identified in attachment theory. According to a study by Gordon Flett, people with an anxious attachment style tend to over-apologize to maintain harmony in relationships, believing that they need to constantly repair even the smallest perceived mistakes to avoid abandonment or conflict.
Over-apologizing is also influenced by socialization, particularly in women. A study in Psychological Science by Schumann and Ross found that women are more likely to apologize than men because they perceive a wider range of behaviors as being offensive and needing an apology. This is largely a product of gendered socialization, where women are often taught to be more nurturing and conciliatory, which can contribute to over-apologizing in adulthood.
As Corey Castillo aptly said:
“Sorry infers regret. When we claim it without sincerity, we lose credibility. If we have done something ‘wrong’ (incorrectly), then we were simply mistaken, not sorry. If we have done something ‘wrong’ (morally), then we have to ask ourselves why was it deemed wrong? What was my desired outcome? Would I do it again? If we still believe we’re wrong, let’s say sorry and explain why.”
Corey highlights the importance of sincerity in apologies. Over-apologizing without genuine remorse diminishes one’s credibility and, over time, can weaken both self-respect and how others perceive the individual. Distinguishing between being “mistaken” and truly “wrong” is crucial in understanding when and why an apology is necessary.
Over-apologizing can further erode self-esteem because it reinforces a negative self-image. When someone constantly apologizes, they may begin to internalize the belief that they are inherently at fault or inadequate. This behavior also affects how others perceive them; excessive apologies can make a person seem less confident, leading others to treat them with less respect or even assume responsibility for minor issues lies with them.
From a cognitive-behavioral standpoint, over-apologizing is a learned behavior that reinforces itself. People might feel temporary relief after apologizing, but in the long run, it reinforces feelings of inadequacy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) suggests that breaking this cycle involves identifying and challenging negative thought patterns that lead to the belief that an apology is always necessary.
According to research by Deborah Tannen, if you overapologize, you come across as weaker and less confident. Interestingly, you actually seem more blameworthy by apologizing than by not apologizing. Here are some steps to help you cope with overcoming habitual over apologising:
Practice Assertiveness
Learning to assert yourself can help counteract the tendency to apologize excessively. Assertiveness means communicating your thoughts, feelings, and needs confidently without being passive or aggressive. When you practice assertiveness, you acknowledge your worth and speak up when necessary, eliminating the need to apologize for doing so. Techniques like maintaining good eye contact, using a calm tone, and expressing your needs directly can enhance your confidence in conversations, helping you avoid unnecessary apologies.
Challenge Negative Thoughts
Over-apologizing stems from the fear of offending others or being perceived as wrong. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) suggests identifying and challenging these irrational thoughts. The next time you feel the urge to apologize, pause and ask yourself: “Am I genuinely at fault?” or “Is this an automatic thought based on insecurity?” By identifying thought patterns that lead to over-apologizing, you can replace them with more rational and empowering beliefs.
Set Boundaries
We over-apologize because we are trying to manage other people’s emotions or avoid confrontation. Setting boundaries is key to preventing this behavior. If you’re clear about what is and isn’t acceptable for you, it becomes easier to assert yourself without feeling the need to apologize. This might mean saying “no” to unreasonable requests, speaking up when you feel disrespected, or simply acknowledging that your time and energy are valuable.
Assess if the Situation Requires an Apology
Before you instinctively apologize, pause and evaluate whether the situation actually calls for it. Does the inconvenience caused really match the level of apology you’re about to give? Some scenarios do not warrant an apology, such as when you’re presenting a differing opinion, unable to attend an event due to prior commitments, or asking for clarification in a meeting or classroom setting. On the other hand, sincere apologies should be offered in cases of genuine error—such as forgetting a task, making a miscalculation, or being inattentive or rude.
This method encourages you to reserve apologies for moments when they truly matter, making them more meaningful and less of a reflex.
Reflect on Apologies After the Fact
To better understand your patterns of over-apologizing, keep a mental or written record of situations where you apologized. After the interaction, reflect on whether the apology was necessary. Did the situation genuinely warrant an apology, or was it automatic? This reflection will help you become more mindful of your apologetic tendencies and adjust your behavior over time.
Practice Self-Compassion
People who over-apologize struggle with feelings of inadequacy or guilt. Developing self-compassion can help you break free from this mindset. Remind yourself that you don’t need to be perfect to be worthy of respect. Acknowledge that making mistakes is part of being human, and instead of defaulting to an apology, offer yourself understanding and kindness. The more compassionate you are toward yourself, the less you’ll feel the need to apologize for every small imperfection.
Seek Feedback from Trusted Friends
Sometimes, it can be difficult to recognize when you are over-apologizing. Seek feedback from trusted friends, family members, or colleagues who can point out when you apologize unnecessarily. Their objective perspective can help you see situations where an apology wasn’t needed, and over time, you’ll become more aware of when it’s appropriate to apologize and when it’s not.
Choose your words carefully
The words we choose have a powerful impact on our mindset and how others perceive us. The next time you’re about to apologize for something minor, try shifting your language from an apologetic tone to one that expresses gratitude or neutrality. For example, instead of saying, “Sorry to have made you wait for me,” try “Thank you for your patience.” Similarly, instead of saying, “I’m sorry to bother you,” say, “Thank you for your time.” This adjustment in language helps reshape how you approach interactions, making you appear more confident while still being polite.
You are enough
If your habit of over-apologizing is linked to past trauma or anxiety, it’s important to remind yourself that your presence and needs are valid. You are allowed to take up space and make requests without feeling guilty. You may have learned to apologize excessively as a way to navigate difficult environments, but you can gradually unlearn this response. Surround yourself with supportive people who respect your boundaries, and remember that it’s not your responsibility to manage everyone’s emotions. Affirming your right to exist without constant apology can be empowering and transformative for your self-esteem.
While apologies can help maintain and strengthen relationships, over-apologizing can backfire by undermining your self-worth and causing unnecessary guilt. Rather than coming across as considerate, frequent apologies may convey a lack of confidence, and their sincerity could be diluted. The strategies outlined above are practical steps toward breaking the habit. That said, it’s a deeply ingrained behavior, so be patient with yourself as you work on it. Slow progress is still progress, and learning to treat yourself with kindness is just as important as learning when to apologize.
Should I end by saying “sorry for the long read”? 🙂
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