We, humans, are inherently social beings. In early societies, being part of a group ensured survival, and validation from others confirmed our place within that group, enhancing feelings of safety and belonging. From a young age, we are conditioned to seek approval—whether through parental praise, academic success, or societal rewards. This ingrained behavior can persist into adulthood, shaping how we navigate relationships, work environments, and, increasingly, social media.
In adulthood, validation-seeking behavior manifests in diverse ways, from agreeing to favors we don’t want to do, attending social events out of obligation, or saying “yes” to every request at work to avoid conflict or rejection. We also find ourselves constantly seeking recognition from bosses or co-workers by requesting feedback, reassurance, or frequently discussing personal successes—whether it’s promotions, fitness goals, financial achievements, or lifestyle milestones—to receive admiration and approval.
But why do we so strongly desire this approval? The answer lies in our fundamental need to belong. When we link our self-worth to how others perceive us, external validation can reinforce positive aspects of our identity, giving us a sense of achievement and recognition. At its core, the desire for validation is often driven by the fear of judgment or rejection. Approval from others helps mitigate these fears, making us feel accepted and valued. When we feel uncertain or insecure about our abilities, beliefs, or choices, external validation offers reassurance and helps affirm our decisions.
Psychological Insights into Validation-Seeking Behavior
Psychologists have extensively studied the underlying causes of validation-seeking. Attachment theory, for instance, suggests that early relationships, particularly with caregivers, shape how we seek validation as adults. Secure attachment in childhood often leads to a strong sense of self and less reliance on external approval. Conversely, those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may feel insecure about their worth and thus seek constant approval to feel validated.
Nathaniel Branden, an expert on self-esteem, links chronic validation-seeking to low self-esteem. When we don’t feel confident in our own abilities, we tend to look outward for reassurance, trying to fill an internal void. Similarly, Leon Festinger’s social comparison theory points out that in a world where comparison is constant—especially in the age of social media—validation-seeking behaviors can increase as we feel compelled to “measure up.”
From a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) perspective, the need for validation often stems from irrational beliefs or cognitive distortions like “If people don’t approve of me, I’m not worthy,” or “I need to be liked to be valuable.” These thought patterns can lead individuals to seek reassurance from others rather than trusting their own judgment.
Many psychologists emphasize that chronic validation-seekers often engage in people-pleasing behaviors. They prioritize others’ needs and opinions over their own, hoping that by doing so, they will gain acceptance and approval. Experts explain that the fear of rejection and the desire for validation are closely intertwined. When people fear rejection, they may overcompensate by seeking approval to avoid feelings of inadequacy or abandonment.
Social Media: A Modern Validation Trap
The rise of social media has further intensified validation-seeking behavior. Platforms like Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter encourage constant approval-seeking through likes, comments, and followers. The pressure to curate an idealized image, along with the constant comparison to others, has created an environment where engagement metrics become direct reflections of personal worth.
Social media’s reward-based mechanisms condition users to become increasingly dependent on external validation. This dependence can lead to negative psychological effects, such as anxiety, low self-esteem, and a diminished sense of self-worth rooted in intrinsic values.
Shifting from External to Internal Validation
While seeking validation is a normal part of social interactions, over-reliance on it can undermine personal fulfillment and confidence. Cultivating self-validation is essential for emotional resilience and a strong sense of self-worth. Here are some strategies to help you develop internal sources of validation:
1. Practice Self-Compassion
Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a close friend, especially during tough times or failures. Instead of suppressing negative feelings, acknowledge them without judgment. Reframe overly self-critical thoughts. For example, replace “I failed” with “This is a setback, and it’s part of my learning process.”
2. Recognize and Celebrate Your Achievements
Focus on your successes, big and small, without relying on external praise. Keep a success journal where you record your accomplishments daily or weekly. When you achieve something, pause and consciously acknowledge, “I did this.” Let the sense of accomplishment sink in before seeking external validation.
3. Develop Emotional Awareness
Understand your emotions and what triggers your need for external approval. When you find yourself craving validation, ask, “Why do I feel this need right now?” Accept that it’s normal to feel insecure sometimes, and affirm your emotions without needing them to be validated by others.
4. Shift to Internal Feedback
Start relying on your own assessment rather than others’ opinions. After completing a task, reflect on how you feel about it. Ask, “Am I proud of my effort? Did I learn something?” instead of waiting for others’ feedback. Define success based on your own values rather than external metrics.
5. Limit Social Media Consumption
Reduce the influence of external validation by limiting your time on social media, especially during emotionally vulnerable periods. Use these platforms for connection rather than as a benchmark for worth. Take breaks from social media to reconnect with your internal sense of self-worth.
6. Practice Gratitude for Yourself
At the end of each day, write down three things you appreciate about yourself, whether it’s actions you took, challenges you handled, or qualities you admire. Gratitude shifts your focus from external validation to appreciating your own growth and efforts.
In adulthood, seeking validation can be subtle or overt, but over-reliance on it can undermine personal fulfillment. The key is finding a balance between healthy social interactions and internal validation. By practicing self-compassion, celebrating personal achievements, developing emotional awareness, and limiting social media, you can shift your focus from seeking approval externally to cultivating an inner sense of worth. This will allow you to thrive on your own terms and build a more resilient, confident self.
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